


Bite Your Tongue

by ginchy



Series: Count Patrickula [2]
Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/M, He said, Humor, She said, Vampires, it’s halloween, silliness, vampires are now a tradition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:27:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27305575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginchy/pseuds/ginchy
Summary: I’ve always wanted to try my hand at a humorous ‘he said/she said’ kind of story.  As it’s Halloween, I decided to go ahead and make it fit into my vampire fics.So...Shelagh and Patrick’s plastic vampire fangs end up on the floor at Nonnatus House.  How did they get there?
Relationships: Bernadette | Shelagh Turner/Patrick Turner
Series: Count Patrickula [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530749
Comments: 8
Kudos: 15





	Bite Your Tongue

**Author's Note:**

> Set two days after “Love Bite” this fic is going to become part 2 of the ‘Count Patrickula’ series, moving “Once Bitten” to be part 3. This is (very) loosely based/inspired by the X-Files episode “Bad Blood”. It was just so much fun with the ‘he said/she said’ storytelling that I had to do one with Turnadette. And Vampires have become my Turnadette Halloween tradition. Not even this crazy year can stop the vampires!! 🤣🧛🤭. Thanks so much to the lovely and wonderful Fourteen-Teacups for reading over this and loving it as much as I do!! And for finding all my repeating words!!! 💕💕💕. Happy Halloween!! 🎃

“Oh, Patrick.” Shelagh barely waited for the door to the MG to close before she looked at him with wide, panicked eyes. “I’ve never been so embarrassed!” She fiddled with her scarf. “To see them there, on the floor--”

“The nuns and nurses aren’t to know they belong to us,” he tried to soothe, but his red cheeks gave away his own embarrassment. 

Shelagh did not seem to be comforted, or listening. Her lips pressed into a hard line before she gestured with her hand. “I’ve half of mind to say they belong to the children, only Angela is too small, and I couldn’t do that to Timothy.” 

“We don’t need to say anything, Shelagh. We’ve left, no one will claim them.” He tried to smile. “On the bright side, we’ve both worn high collars today…”

“Patrick!” Shelagh was scandalized. “This is not the time for jokes. Our plastic vampire fangs fell onto the clinical floor in Nonnatus House! Sister Monica Joan is still moaning that the vibrations in the house are off, and to see Sister Evangelina holding them….” Her cheeks flushed a darker red. “I can never face them again!”

“Perhaps they aren’t ours….?” 

“No one else in Poplar would have vampire fangs in the middle of April, Patrick!” Shelagh was in a tizzy. “How did they get to Nonnatus House? I certainly did not bring them with me!” She turned to him. 

“Oh, no!” He held out a hand. “Don’t look at me! They were your idea!”

Shelagh scoffed. “You had little trouble playing along! They were never meant to leave our bedroom. Only…” Shelagh trailed off. “Only we both know they did leave not only our bedroom, but the flat.”

“They have turned up in the most unlikely of spots,” he agreed, running a hand through his hair. “But I thought you placed them deliberately.” 

Shelagh’s cheeks pinkened once more. “I thought you were doing the same.”

“That doesn’t answer how they got all the way here,” he said, eyeing her blue suit and handbag. “I never put them into that jacket, nor in your handbag…”

Shelagh’s lips pressed together, a wrinkle in her forehead as she thought. “The past two days have been hectic since the children arrived back from Granny Parker’s,” she admitted. “I’m not certain I can remember all the places I did place the….” she flushed. “Fangs.”

“Look.” Patrick sighed. “ We’ve time before we need to open the surgery.  Neither of us will rest until we know what happened. Why don’t we each start from the beginning and maybe we’ll reach a consensus.”

“Very well.” Shelagh tapped at her lips. “After our…. Evening,” she shared a significant look with Patrick, who smiled. “Yes, quite.” A smile tugged at her own lips. “After our evening we woke early before the children were set to be home.” She paused. “Well,  _ I _ woke early…” 

“ To clean the flat,” Patrick interrupted. “Luckily, I persuaded you to stay in bed…”

“Patrick. You’ll have your turn!” Shelagh’s voice was stern before she broke into another smile. “But you did convince me to have a bit of a... lie in.”

Satisfied, Patrick gestured. “Continue.”

Raising a brow, Shelagh waited a beat before saying, “I will admit that it was lovely to have a few moments together in the quiet, especially after I turned off the alarm.” She paused, as if remembering. “Quite.” She cleared her throat before looking at Patrick. 

He immediately wiped the smug look from his face. 

“Anyway,” she continued, “we soon realized that we had taken a wee bit too long with our…. rest…. and needed to dress before Granny Parker arrived.” The sky was overcast outside of the MG and small raindrops started falling against the windshield. “It was a drizzly morning, like this,” she said, tapping the window, “and I could hear the rain whilst I gathered my dressing gown and clothing. I spoke to you about my plans for the day: breakfast with Granny Parker and the children, mending donations from Nonnatus’s charity box, looking over the music for the choir’s May Day fete, and perhaps clearing the cupboard of clothing Angela and Tim have outgrown.”

“A shorter list than most,” Patrick offered.

“It didn’t help that when I returned after my bath you were reading  _ The Lancet _ in bed,” Shelagh retorted, clasping her hands together. 

“I’d dressed!”

Shelagh didn’t pause. “As  _ I _ dressed you read to me from the article on ulceration leading to amputation.”

“I thought you’d be interested as our summer ulcer clinic is upcoming!”

Shelagh raised a brow but didn’t answer, continuing instead with her story. “I’d only finished buttoning my cardigan when I noticed the fangs.” Her cheeks warmed once more.  “I thought to mention them, but before I could, there was a knock at the door.”

“Granny Parker has always been a touch early when returning the children…”

“I did wonder if perhaps Angela kept her awake the whole of the evening,” Shelagh fretted. “ The two-year molars have been hard on our wee girl.”

“They have,” he agreed. “Though I believe being with Granny was exciting enough to distract her.”

“Quite.” Shelagh smiled for a moment before it faded. “Both were excited! So excited that Timothy used his key. I could hear him running down the corridor. Angela called out for you, but all I could see were those fangs! I intended to remove them to a hidden location but didn’t have time. Your dressing gown was laid across the bed and I placed them into the pocket. Not a moment too soon, I hasten to add! Timothy burst right into the bedroom to show me the butterfly he’d found in Ilford.”

“It was good that you were able to see it before—”

“Well, yes.” Shelagh sighed. “It was such a day! Breakfast wasn’t too eventful, but right after Granny Parker left Angela went straight for the butterfly.”

“I was only happy she didn’t eat the wings… but poor Tim.” 

“It was the perfect specimen for his collection and Proficiency Badge! At least there’s time left to find another! But w ith both children so grumpy, we were in for a long day.”

“My talk with Tim didn’t seem to help,” Patrick agreed.

“He made a joke, dearest, and you wagged your finger at both of us!”

“I do not wag my finger!”  Patrick clenched his hand into a loose fist but his mouth twitched as if he were trying not to smile.

Shelagh pursed her lips. “After that, w e were lucky to rest at all! Angela’s grizzling kept us both awake until you were called out after midnight. She finally settled and I managed some mending before closing my own eyes!”

“The pile of mending was on my side of the bed when I came home at half-one…”

“Was it?” Shelagh’s smile was cheeky. “I must have been tired. I generally hear you come to bed, but I didn’t see you again until after four, when you were soothing Angela. I took her from you and went into the kitchen only to find your  stained dressing gown and a pot left in the sink—”

“I thought of giving her warm milk! I didn’t wish to wake the house in cleaning dishes in the small hours.  And I knew you wouldn’t want a wet dressing gown in the bedroom .” 

“Oh, was that it?” Shelagh playfully rolled her eyes before becoming thoughtful. “I suppose the next time I saw the fangs was later that morning when I tied on my pinny to clean your dishes--”

Patrick cleared his throat.

“...the breakfast dishes, then. There was a lump in the pinny pocket. You’re only lucky I pulled them out after Timothy left for school! As it was, Angela started to whinge again and pull at my skirt. She saw the teeth in my hand and reached for them, so I popped them into the nearest thing I could find…” Shelagh’s paled. “Oh, Patrick. I’m afraid it was your medical case!” 

“Oh, I know,” he said, before gesturing. “But continue.”

Rubbing her lips together nervously, Shelagh said, “I didn’t realize what I was doing in the moment and afterward I meant to remove them… only you left before I could!” She fiddled with the buttons on her cardigan. “Once Angela took her nap I had a bit of a think and ….” Her lips twisted. “That’s when I thought that perhaps you left them in my pinny pocket to remind me of our…. Night.”

“Did they?”   
  


“Patrick!” Shelagh twisted at her cardie. “I’ll only say that I didn’t ring the surgery to confess to leaving the fangs in your case because I was…. Distracted.”

Patrick grinned. 

“I suppose a set of fangs aren’t the worst thing to be found in your bag.” Raising a brow, she turned to her husband. “Pies and old papers…”

“I left a pie in the case one time!”

Shelagh waited.

“Maybe twice.”

“Hm.” Barely concealing a smile, Shelagh carried on, “After that, Mrs. Penney came in to sit with Angela whilst I attended Clinic. You were, as usual, running a wee bit behind so I was unable to fetch the bothersome things. Even after Clinic I was unable to discuss them with you because you were caught up in conversation with Sister Evangelina over the merits of amputation in ulceration.”

“You stepped into the conversation and pointed out that early treatment may lead to only loss of part of the skin and muscle, not the entire leg or foot!”

“That’s what the ulcer clinic is for, Patrick! Management of the issue.”

“I agree!”

Looking at one another for a moment, they began to laugh. 

Patrick leaned back in his seat and turned toward her. “I did notice that by the end of our conversation with Sister Evangelina that you were distracted again…”

“Oh! And you know why!” She shook her head. “When did you have time to place them into my coat pocket?”

“ I  _ was _ running late...” he winked. 

“Patrick.” Shelagh sighed but seemed to be tamping down a smile. “I suspect you know what happened after I discovered them in my pocket.... We went home and as I placed my coat into the cupboard I…. well. You know where you found them, Patrick.”

“Do I?” Placing his hand on the wheel, he tapped his fingers against it. “I suppose I found them in several locations…  Our morning started so promisingly,” he said, a half-smile on his face  as he began his own recollection. “But, you’re absolutely correct. The evening was long with Tim so grumpy and Angela’s crankiness. I tried making it up to Tim, but I fear he felt I was only making things worse. I did promise to take him on a nature walk at the weekend. His good humor seemed to return when he asked if I was sure I could keep up with him.”

“Yes, I remember your response…” She pointed at Patrick, bouncing her finger.

“Very funny.” He cleared his throat. “Now, where was I…. oh, yes. When I returned home after my call, Angela was standing in her crib, crocodile tears in her eyes. I couldn’t bear to leave her. I wrapped up in my dressing gown and took her for a cup of warm milk.”

Shelagh’s smile was soft. “Our wee girl loves spending time with Daddy!”

His own smile was delighted. “As I love spending time with her. And we were getting on well until the cup upturned and soaked the pair of us!” He shook his head. “When I pulled it off to rinse the stain I felt something in the pocket. Angela was whinging  so I didn’t have time to be distracted by them. I stuffed them in the nearest place I could find--your pinny pocket.”

“One of us really ought to have thought to find a more appropriate hiding spot,” Shelagh mused.

“Quite.” Patrick exhaled an amused breath. “Later that morning I was in the Surgery, readying my case for house calls. As I restocked it, I happened to notice the fangs.”

“Oh, Patrick!” Shelagh’s forehead wrinkled in worry. “I never should have brought our personal lives into the Surgery!”

“There’s nothing to fret over, my love,” he said, reaching for and squeezing her hand. “In fact, in the quiet, I had a moment to reflect upon our evening with them, and well.” His blush returned. 

“What is it?”

“I…” he cleared his throat. “One of my patients said I had a ‘pep in my step’ that afternoon,” he murmured, embarrassed.

Shelagh clicked her tongue. “Oh,” she smiled. 

“Yes, well,” he grinned at her before sobering. “After my rounds I was only a few minutes late for Clinic…” Off her look, he laughed. “I walked in to find you frowning at me and tapping your watch!”

“I did not tap my watch!”

“You did,” he said, shifting in his seat. “Complete with a sigh and a ‘get on with it’ face.”

“I do not make such a face!”

Patrick looked at her until she gave him the face again. Breaking into a grin, he continued. “I knew I had to get the teeth out of my case, and…” he paused. “Well, I quite thought you’d made a game of it, so I wanted to place them somewhere you could easily find them…” Drumming his fingers against the steering wheel again he said, “That’s when I thought to pop them into your coat. No easy task in weaving through the Sisters and nurses, trying to slip them unobtrusively in the pocket!”

“You may have more finesse than you think,” Shelagh laughed. “I didn’t see you!”

“You weren’t meant to see me!” His forehead creased as he thought. “Later in the evening I found them underneath my pillow…” He caught her eye. “I was certain then that you were suggesting another go.”

Shelagh’s eyes widened. “I suppose I can see how you came to that conclusion.”

“That’s why I was wearing them when you came into the bedroom.”

“It’s only a good job Angela was asleep!” 

They laughed together, Shelagh calming after a moment to tap her lips with her finger. “That doesn’t answer how they came to be in Nonnatus House, however. We didn’t get to….  _ have another go _ …” she mimicked, as Patrick’s eyes widened. “And I took them from you as we were…. having a cuddle… and placed them onto the side table.”

“Yes, quite. After that, Angela cried out and I never touched the fangs again….” He paused. “Did you say the side table?”

“Yes,” Shelagh nodded. “I remember because I’d also placed my glasses there.”

“Your handbag was open on the floor.” 

“What?”

“I remember seeing that it was open because I thought to close it before Angela could get into it. Only I never got a chance. The next time I saw your handbag was this morning, when you placed the insulin in it for delivery to--”

“Nonnatus House!” Shelagh’s eyes were huge, her cheeks once more bright red. “Oh, _ I  _ dropped them!”

Patrick’s cheeks were ruddy. “You’re not to blame, Shelagh. I set them where they could easily fall…”

Silence stretched between them for a beat, and then two, before Shelagh began to giggle. And then laugh. Unsure of what to do, Patrick laughed too, until the humor of the situation took him and he doubled over, reaching for his wife’s hand. “Oh, Shelagh. Let’s put this out of our minds. No one is to know. It’s still our secret.”

Wiping tears from her eyes, Shelagh nodded. “You’re absolutely correct, Patrick. Only I think it’ll be some time before I can contain my blushes at Nonnatus!”  Glancing out of the window, she canted toward Patrick. “Also,” she whispered, “I think it best if we move on to  _ your _ fantasies for now.”

“Do you?” Patrick leaned in, matching her position. “I might have an idea,” he murmured, trailing a light fingertip over her open palm.

Shelagh’s eyes glittered behind her glasses as she started to reply. “I—”

A loud knock at the passenger window made them both jump, Shelagh involuntarily making a small, surprised sound. 

Outside of the vehicle Barbara could be heard calling out to them. Smoothing a hand over her hair, Shelagh took a deep breath before rolling down the window. “Yes, Nurse?”

“Oh! Mrs. Turner, Dr. Turner! You’re still here! Hello! I’m so sorry to disturb you but you left this in the clinical room.”

Ashen faced, Shelagh said, “Nurse Gilbert, I don’t know what you think you have—” but was cut off as Barbara handed a file through the window to Patrick. 

“Your mumps case,” she said, smiling quizzically. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Turner, I didn’t mean to intrude!”

“Oh,” Shelagh cleared her throat. “It’s… it’s no problem, Nurse Gilbert. We’re only running behind to open the surgery. Thank you.”

“Yes, thank you,” Patrick said, tossing the file into the back seat. He managed to smile at Barbara and Trixie, who walked her bike up to the MG. “Well, it’s all tickety-boo now, isn’t it? Thank you,” he said again, starting the MG’s engine.

Waving as they drove off, Patrick looked to his wife. He opened his mouth, but Shelagh beat him to it.

“Bite your tongue, Patrick,” she murmured. “Bite your tongue.”

**Author's Note:**

> I think maybe only five people will read this, so thank you for indulging me!! 🤣🤣🤣🧛♂️🧛♂️🧛♂️


End file.
